It’s gotta be me. Look at my life. What have I done to get me where I am today?
Ever since I was pregnant with my first child, I tried my hardest to be the perfect mom and the perfect wife. In learning to be the best parent, I took classes, read books, particpated in Bible studies. The same with being a wife. I did those same things. And look at me now, divorced after 21 years and estranged from my daughter amongst other people in my life.
I’ve had friendships come and go but none that lasted for many, many years. I have brothers that can go long, long periods of time not talking to me because they are mad at me for one reason or another.
My heart is in the right place. I’ve always had a servant’s heart, trying to do the right thing. Taking on a Girl Scout troop, helping in the classrooms, Sunday school rooms, taking in a foster child, volunteering at a senior citizen’s home and ultimately taking in my mom when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
I gave my children every opportunity possible (i.e. three-week trip to Europe, rock climbing, being ‘extras’ on film and television, etc.) at the same time trying to teach them responsibility and respect.
There must be something about me that repels people. For years I’ve been searching within for the answer. I try to be an easy going person and support people, kind of middle of the road as not to offend anyone, to the extent of putting my wants in needs last. This is how I was taught to behave growing up. As a result, it has had the opposite effect of what I want in my life.
Obviously this is very, very personal. You might ask, why, on earth, would I post this on my blog if I felt it was that personal? For one, if you have read my blog in the past, you’ll realize I find it very therapeutic to blog about my struggles. And another, I sincerely want some answers.
As a result of my behavior and mindset, I sit here, day in and day out, taking care of my mom all by myself with very minimal interaction with anyone else. I’m 45 years old, just starting my higher education because I had no support to take care of this while I was younger. Today I can barely find time to work on my one on-line class with feeding mom, following mom, looking for mom, trying to figure out what she’s trying to say, answering her in ways as not to cause more agitation.
I sit here and think, if I were to do this all over again, would I do it differently? Would I put my needs first before everyone else? Would I skip signing the kids up for every activity they showed interest in? Would I skip being on the field watching the kids play sports in the scorching heat and the freezing cold many evenings and all Saturday long? Would I skip trying to make home-cooked meals and trying to keep the house clean? Would I skip trying to make a career with a home party business and/or education, avoiding making my spouse help me out with the children and some household responsibilities?
Honestly, I don’t think I would do it differently. I, sincerely, believe that this is the right way to raise a family. I don’t know why since my family is so split up. And then I see other families working fabulously not doing the crazy things I did. I thought it was very important for me to be home to raise my kids as oppose to working and making lots of money. But, look what it got me.
When a conversation comes up regarding issues on raising children or being a good wife, I keep my mouth shut. I have no clue on what I could offer. I just do not know.
I am thankful that you are my friend, that we've had this opportunity to get to know each other better, share stories, woes, and moments of joy together. I cherish our friendship and hope to see it continue to grow. Love ya.
Posted by: Genevieve Rodriguez | September 26, 2009 at 09:38 PM
I'm not sure if my opinion counts. But, as your sister, I have always thought you were amazing. I think you should try not to analize it all. You are going through some very tough times. But you are a beautiful, interesting person. I, too, am thankful that you are in my life. I thank God and pray that He lets you see his plan for you. Let go & Let God. That's my mantra. I Love You, Sis
Posted by: DorisWhidden | September 26, 2009 at 11:19 PM
Well Robin I am not good with advice and Lord knows that I struggle as a wife, EX-wife and parent too! All I can say is that every family has issues and even the families that seem to work fabulously, have issues too... they are just hidden or not spoken about. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are a wonderful person and I am glad that we are friends and hope it stays that way! :)
Posted by: Rochelle Spears | September 26, 2009 at 11:31 PM