She Was An American Girl

Ten Days

I've been clean for 10 days now!  That might not seem like very long, but in the past 5 or 6 years, the longest I've been clean is 51 days.  All I can think about is, "How ridiculous am I?"  I know.  Ten days is good.  I'm trying to accept the good for what it is, but geeze, I am pretty ridiculous.

I'm feeling physically better.  My skin tingles and wants relief and comfort 24/7.  Emotionally, less depressed but still pretty anxious.

I went to the pharmacy today to pick up a prescription.  I didn't even think about trying to get my V script until I was pulling out of the drive-way.

Day 6

Day 6  Symptoms are somewhat milder except for the anxiety.  My anxiety level is extremely high.   I just want to go to bed and wake up when this is over.  Depression is setting in.  Obviously no energy and no motivition.  I'm very irritible.

I did get up and take a shower.  Had plans to take a motorcycle ride with Manuel to return some items he purchased  a long time ago.  Just something to do to get out of the house.  Just as I was ready to leave, Ryan got in his truck to go to work.  My plans were blown and we were stuck at home for the rest of the day.  Good thing, I guess.  I didn't feel like doing anything anyway.

Good night!

Detox

In regards to the previous blog post title, "Go Ahead...Judge me. It's Gonna Happen Anyway...."  I realize it sounds snotty.  I didn't mean it that way.  I meant it's just natural to judge someone.  I do it, as hard as I try not to, everybody does it.  It's okay.

Day 5 I feel better but certainly not great.  I feel like I have the stomach flu.  It's interesting how each day is completely different than the day before,  My head and back still hurt but not nearly as bad as it was.  I'm still laying around a lot, sleeping.  I have no energy and no motivation to do anything.  I've lost a few pounds...that's a good thing as long as I can keep them off....right!  I have a bit of anxiety.  Tingles on my head.  This is all very normal.  Very uncomfortable, but normal.  Nothing I'm going through will kill me.  I keep reminding myself this.

I've always wanted to blog about my addiction.  I thought it would be theraputic.  The one thing that kept me from doing it is the fact that I knew I would go back to the drugs and then I would have to.......what?..... admit to my failure?  Keep my relapse a secret?  It would send me into a panic at the thought of it.

Today, the day after I have release my darkest secret to anyone who has any interest in my life, I am thinking of certain people who will now know.  I didn't really think this through completely.  My heart skips a beat at the thought of certain people knowing.  I start panicing and think I should get on the computer and delete it.

Thank you to my few dear friends who have left messages for me with their support.  It means the world to me.

Go Ahead...Judge me. It's Gonna Happen Anyway....

I don't even know which day this is.  Is it my fourth day clean or my third day clean?

I'm not even sure how  many times I've tried to get clean once and for all.  I can say at least three times and I meant it with all my heart every time, just as I do this time.

This time I've gone completely cold turkey.  I've had no help or support through my medical insurance.  I've had to go through the pain, discomfort with no comfort meds at all, all while taking care of my mom.  Pure hell, I tell ya!

It's expected to last 7-10 days in all.  I, sincerely, can't wait to be back to my crazy ol' self   Yes, my normal self is crazy!  SORRY!  LOL

Day 1  The first day, I'm feeling fabulous!  I'm thinking, 'I can totally do this!'  But, I knew darn well it was the honeymoom period.  So, I continued to try to get as  much done around the house and for the household, while I could.

Day 2 The second day, I started to feel a bit crappy.  started laying down in bed a bit more but still participating in the kitchen, etc.

Day 3  By far the worse day ever.  My skin hurt from head to toe.  Nobody can touch me.  Nothing can touch me.  My body hurt, my muscles, my bones, everything.  I had a very bad head ache.  My eyes were burning, they were on fire!  I had been on the phone trying to get help for detox with everyone I could think of; doctors, psychiatrists, health insurance, numbers Blue Shield gave me to call to get help.  2 of the 4 numbers did absolutely nothing with substance abuse programs.  The other two had inpatient detox programs that I do not have the priveledge to attend since I am the sole caregiver to my mom, who is in late stages Alheimer's.  There's nothing available for me until after detox and I'll have to pay like $1,700 out of pocket for the therapy.  :-\

Day 4  Still have some skin crawling.  My head hurts BAD.   My lower back hurts BAD.  I have bouts of anxiety where I was finally perscribed Atavan.  For today, it doesnt seem to help.

Sorry for the typos.  Wasn't able to fix it via my Xoom  I'll go in and fix it asap...Please leave a comment...good, bad or indifferent about this post.  lotsa love to you!!!**

**Fixed the typoes....might make more sense now.  Thanks for listening. :)

Dermal

As I write this, I'm looking up "dermal" links to show you what I had done.  Good thing I didn't look them up before I had it done otherwise, I wouldn't have done it!  DANG!!!  But, this doesn't look so bad, does it?

Actually, I LOVE it!  It's bling inbedded in my body.  It kinda freaks me out when I look at it, when I think about what it REALLY is. 

I got my dermal done at The Electric Chair in Huntington Beach.  When I went in there a few weeks ago, to look around, I knew I would be back to get it.

Quite a few years ago, I had been into The Electric Chair, but that was in Riverside.  That's when I got my belly button pierced.  It has long since closed up....not only this store location, but the piercing.

So, as the dermal piercing goes,  I didn't see any of it get done.  No way in HECK can I watch something like that.  But, my boyfriend, Manuel, was there to watch the entire thing while holding my hand. 

Yes, I screamed, "FUCK" as she sliced my chest to insert the anchor plate.  But once the gem was snapped on top, the pain was gone and has been gone since.

In the plate, there is a hole that the skin will grow through to keep the anchor in.  Once that is done, you can change out the jewelry...change color, silver, pearl, etc.  Although, I can't imagine ever doing that.  I guess it's still too new for me.

Tell me what you think....honestly.

What's her name?

Two steps forward, one step back.  I'm saying it again.  I sound like a broken record.

It's twice as much work for me to get a hair appointment.  I have to get the appointment around the beautician's schedule, my schedule and Ryan's schedule.  I finally got that figured out and went to get my hair done today.  The gal who took my appointment gave me to someone else but didn't give the other girl all my details.  I have this specific window of time I can get something done.  I ended up leaving the salon with NOT the color I asked for, barely a trim, let alone a full hair cut and my hair wet because she ran long and Ryan had to go to work so I had to get home to be with Mom.  I'm still not sure what my hair looks like because it was wet the last time I walked passed a mirror.

Another PIA is getting Seroquel for my mom.  She has to see the dr. ever six months for a new prescription.  Now is that time, but she has ran out of pills.  It takes a couple of weeks to get an appointment so they say to come by and pick up some samples, they can give us 50.  I hustle in there to get the samples waiting for me.  As I accept them, a guy in the waiting area says, "Oh, your mom takes Seroquel, huh?  What's her name?"  I don't know if he's legitimately crazy or what.  I would assume he was.  I say, "Oh you don't know her.  She's not from around here.  Her name is Jennie."  He says, "Oh Jennie.  I know Jennie."  Sigh

I get home, put the pills away and notice there are not 50 pills.  There are only 8 pills.  This won't even get me through the weekend.  Come Monday, I'll get to do this all over again.  Sigh.

Life of a Queen

I live the life of a QUEEN!

This is not the first I have realized this.

It was, ever-so-sweetly, brought to my attention, once again, this morning as my daughter brought me coffee in bed, perfectly doctored to my liking, before she went to work. Then, shortly after, I hear my son get Mom up, give her her morning meds and make her breakfast.

I live the life of a QUEEN!

I am SO BLESSED!!!

"Pro..."

Easter, 2011

Easter Eve, I colored eggs.

Used Glue Dots and glitter for polka dots.

Used a glue pen and glitter for names.

The Bartolo's put names on their eggs, too!

I made the ham and frijoles.  Michelle made corn.  Billie made potatoes and green beans.

Mary made carrot cake!

Katie and I made mustache's on a stick.  Sammie helped Katie.

 

Money Matters

From Caring.com

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Memere's Dau­ghter

Hello, everyone. Hope your holidays are blessed -- not stressed! I have just done something that has filled me with guilt: I asked my brother to contribute towards my mom's care. Mom has Alzheimer's and lives with me 24/7. She sold her house but we used that money to pay for in-home companion care -- until her long-term health insurance kicked in. Even with that, and her social security check -- it's tough to make ends meet. To make matters worse, my daughter just finished college and now her school loans are due. My brother lives in Alaska -- I'm in NJ. He calls mom every week or two, but doesn't ever visit.

I have taken no time away from my mom since she moved in - more than a year ago. I am emotionally exhausted, and the financial worries only add to the stress.
Yes - mom has insurance and social security -- but it still costs a lot to take care of her. I will keep her at home as long as possible -- and when that's no longer safe, I'll try to get her into assisted living. At that point, I won't worry about money, because it's covered by her insurance. It's just this in-between time. My brother sounded exasperated. He's got kids in college, too - and he figured mom's situation was all paid for by her insurance,social security. He said he'd do what he could -- I did NOT name a figure -- but I feel terribly guilty about asking him for money. I have been paying a lot towards keeping my daughter in college -- and I could cut back on that. But I don't want to renege on my promise to her, either. Did I do the wrong thing in asking my brother to contribute towards mom's upkeep?

PLEASE let me know ASAP. I don't want to antagonize him - or have him demand a monthly accounting of mom's finances, etc etc. That'd just make more work for me.

Thanks and happy holidays. Memere's Daughter

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Bill2011

You did NOT do wrong by asking for your brothers help. by the way, I totally fail to understand why NOBODY has replied before this. that isn't very nice. anyway, NO, you did NOTHING wrong.

BUT, don't expect any help. in the real world, people often if not always care ONLY about themselves. obviously, there are exceptions. like you for one example :)

I truly wish you all the luck possible with this. but I'm afraid some people just can't be bothered. my sister retired 2 days ago from a govt. job, with full pension. plus, she paid in to have her time in the military count as 20 years (not sure how that works..another scam) so, there's TWO retirements. and she is staying on in her old job as a temp for $35.00 per hour. I don't get a wooden nickel from anyone for taking care of my Mom. not a penny.

Nice world we live in eh?

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illgetrighto­nthat

A WAKE-UP CALL TO FAMILY MEMBERS... For some reason, agreement regarding the financial compensation for care of a family member is typically so much more straight forward when the caregiver is not a member of the family. This applies even to the person receiving the care. All of a sudden, the $10 or $15 per hour that is seen as fair compensation for outside care seems extravagant for a daughter, son or other relative who is usually giving a much higher quality of care...plus love. It is that higher level of care and the emotions that are invested to give that care which are so easily overlooked and taken for granted. Just because a family member decides that they would like to be the one to give the care does not mean they do not deserve, at the very least, the financial compensation that would be unthinkable to withhold from an employed caregiver. Even if the money is not needed, it is about gratitude, respect and acknowledgment of the sacrifices and loving care being given that money can't buy.

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Tammibarnes

 Replied 2 days ago

Another avenue to alert siblings of the cost caring for your Mom is to put pen to paper. I created a spreadsheet and list monthly expenses to include clothing, transportation, food and add the time I have invested as well. Then send a doctor's report on her visits along with the spreadsheet monthly or quarterly to your siblings letting them know your investment in her care. They have no earthly idea how much it costs to support a human being that cannot care for themselves. Seeing it in writing makes it a reality. Attend some support groups and don't be afraid to ask for help. These groups have so many resources that can alleviate some of your stress. Seems strangers are more willing to give you the support you need than our own families are.

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 Replied 2 days ago

By all means, find a support group! You would be amazed at the information AND help you will get! My husband has advanced Alzheimers, and is currently in a nursing home, but I cared for him until 3 months ago, when I physically could not do it any longer. I asked his sons if they could help financially, NO WAY! One son has never even called to see how his dad is doing, the other son calls about once a month, but the DIL told me "Well, you know they haven't been close for a long time." Both sons live on the East coast and we are midwesterners. It's a sad world we live in, families just plain don't care! As long as it doesn't cost them anything, they are loving & caring, but the moment sickness comes along, or financial burdens, they can't (won't) help! The Alzheimers Association can guide you to the right resources! Good Luck and hang in there, God gives us caregivers special blessings!

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And I say, every little thing helps.  Even a Cricut Cartridge every once in a while! <wink>