She Was An American Girl

Ten Days

I've been clean for 10 days now!  That might not seem like very long, but in the past 5 or 6 years, the longest I've been clean is 51 days.  All I can think about is, "How ridiculous am I?"  I know.  Ten days is good.  I'm trying to accept the good for what it is, but geeze, I am pretty ridiculous.

I'm feeling physically better.  My skin tingles and wants relief and comfort 24/7.  Emotionally, less depressed but still pretty anxious.

I went to the pharmacy today to pick up a prescription.  I didn't even think about trying to get my V script until I was pulling out of the drive-way.

Day 6

Day 6  Symptoms are somewhat milder except for the anxiety.  My anxiety level is extremely high.   I just want to go to bed and wake up when this is over.  Depression is setting in.  Obviously no energy and no motivition.  I'm very irritible.

I did get up and take a shower.  Had plans to take a motorcycle ride with Manuel to return some items he purchased  a long time ago.  Just something to do to get out of the house.  Just as I was ready to leave, Ryan got in his truck to go to work.  My plans were blown and we were stuck at home for the rest of the day.  Good thing, I guess.  I didn't feel like doing anything anyway.

Good night!

Detox

In regards to the previous blog post title, "Go Ahead...Judge me. It's Gonna Happen Anyway...."  I realize it sounds snotty.  I didn't mean it that way.  I meant it's just natural to judge someone.  I do it, as hard as I try not to, everybody does it.  It's okay.

Day 5 I feel better but certainly not great.  I feel like I have the stomach flu.  It's interesting how each day is completely different than the day before,  My head and back still hurt but not nearly as bad as it was.  I'm still laying around a lot, sleeping.  I have no energy and no motivation to do anything.  I've lost a few pounds...that's a good thing as long as I can keep them off....right!  I have a bit of anxiety.  Tingles on my head.  This is all very normal.  Very uncomfortable, but normal.  Nothing I'm going through will kill me.  I keep reminding myself this.

I've always wanted to blog about my addiction.  I thought it would be theraputic.  The one thing that kept me from doing it is the fact that I knew I would go back to the drugs and then I would have to.......what?..... admit to my failure?  Keep my relapse a secret?  It would send me into a panic at the thought of it.

Today, the day after I have release my darkest secret to anyone who has any interest in my life, I am thinking of certain people who will now know.  I didn't really think this through completely.  My heart skips a beat at the thought of certain people knowing.  I start panicing and think I should get on the computer and delete it.

Thank you to my few dear friends who have left messages for me with their support.  It means the world to me.

Go Ahead...Judge me. It's Gonna Happen Anyway....

I don't even know which day this is.  Is it my fourth day clean or my third day clean?

I'm not even sure how  many times I've tried to get clean once and for all.  I can say at least three times and I meant it with all my heart every time, just as I do this time.

This time I've gone completely cold turkey.  I've had no help or support through my medical insurance.  I've had to go through the pain, discomfort with no comfort meds at all, all while taking care of my mom.  Pure hell, I tell ya!

It's expected to last 7-10 days in all.  I, sincerely, can't wait to be back to my crazy ol' self   Yes, my normal self is crazy!  SORRY!  LOL

Day 1  The first day, I'm feeling fabulous!  I'm thinking, 'I can totally do this!'  But, I knew darn well it was the honeymoom period.  So, I continued to try to get as  much done around the house and for the household, while I could.

Day 2 The second day, I started to feel a bit crappy.  started laying down in bed a bit more but still participating in the kitchen, etc.

Day 3  By far the worse day ever.  My skin hurt from head to toe.  Nobody can touch me.  Nothing can touch me.  My body hurt, my muscles, my bones, everything.  I had a very bad head ache.  My eyes were burning, they were on fire!  I had been on the phone trying to get help for detox with everyone I could think of; doctors, psychiatrists, health insurance, numbers Blue Shield gave me to call to get help.  2 of the 4 numbers did absolutely nothing with substance abuse programs.  The other two had inpatient detox programs that I do not have the priveledge to attend since I am the sole caregiver to my mom, who is in late stages Alheimer's.  There's nothing available for me until after detox and I'll have to pay like $1,700 out of pocket for the therapy.  :-\

Day 4  Still have some skin crawling.  My head hurts BAD.   My lower back hurts BAD.  I have bouts of anxiety where I was finally perscribed Atavan.  For today, it doesnt seem to help.

Sorry for the typos.  Wasn't able to fix it via my Xoom  I'll go in and fix it asap...Please leave a comment...good, bad or indifferent about this post.  lotsa love to you!!!**

**Fixed the typoes....might make more sense now.  Thanks for listening. :)

Dermal

As I write this, I'm looking up "dermal" links to show you what I had done.  Good thing I didn't look them up before I had it done otherwise, I wouldn't have done it!  DANG!!!  But, this doesn't look so bad, does it?

Actually, I LOVE it!  It's bling inbedded in my body.  It kinda freaks me out when I look at it, when I think about what it REALLY is. 

I got my dermal done at The Electric Chair in Huntington Beach.  When I went in there a few weeks ago, to look around, I knew I would be back to get it.

Quite a few years ago, I had been into The Electric Chair, but that was in Riverside.  That's when I got my belly button pierced.  It has long since closed up....not only this store location, but the piercing.

So, as the dermal piercing goes,  I didn't see any of it get done.  No way in HECK can I watch something like that.  But, my boyfriend, Manuel, was there to watch the entire thing while holding my hand. 

Yes, I screamed, "FUCK" as she sliced my chest to insert the anchor plate.  But once the gem was snapped on top, the pain was gone and has been gone since.

In the plate, there is a hole that the skin will grow through to keep the anchor in.  Once that is done, you can change out the jewelry...change color, silver, pearl, etc.  Although, I can't imagine ever doing that.  I guess it's still too new for me.

Tell me what you think....honestly.

I am

I am depressed. 

I've never been more depressed than I am right now.

I'm doing everything I can to fix it.

Bare with me.

Isn't it Ironic?

It's ironic how changing my standards for the better of me has isolated myself.

Big Bad Ass Mother Hen

I NEEDED pizza tonight.  Feed the cold, starve the fever?

Ryan made my dream pizza, but since he rode his bike to work, I had to pick the pizza up.  Small price to pay for only the best food in the entire world.

I picked the pizza up the same time Ryan got off work, 8 pm.  As I was pulling out of the parking lot {and Ryan started his bike ride home} I saw a police car.  I told myself, "That guy is going to pull Ryan over."

I pulled out behind the police car and saw Ryan turn into the neighborhood to go home.  Just then the policeman made an 'illegal' U'y. {Obviously, not illegal for the policeman.}  Once the police turned into the neighborhood and was out of site from me, I made the same illegal U-turn to follow him.

Not to my surprise, the police is pulled over and my son has stopped riding his bike.  I pulled up right behind them....as if I were going to intimidate!  LOL-I'm such a dork!  He asked to see Ryan's ID then let him go.  The police officer came to my car to confirm I was his mom.  I told him I was, that I knew he was going to pull my son over as soon as I saw his vehicle.

He assured me that he used the excuse that my son had no light on his bicycle to pull him over.  They use any excuse they can to pull people over to make sure they aren't carrying weapons or drugs.  He said this is a bad area for that.  I can appreciate his reasoning.  I told him if my son had a weapon or drugs, I would turn him in myself.

Surprisingly, Ryan was happy that he pulled him over.  He was glad the police officer was doing his job and keeping the neighborhood safe.  Ryan wasn't annoyed, at all.  I guess there's this house in our area that is a suspected crack house.

Flabbergasted

I'm flabbergasted by people.  I just don't understand them.  I wish I didn't think about it and try to figure them out.  It's consuming me and making me depressed.

I'm having a huge challenge with one of my kids.  I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do.  I decided to tell my ex a bit of what has been going on and I asked him what he suggested.  I heard nothing back from him.

What do I understand with that?  That he wants nothing to do with me ever again.  Yes, my kids are adults, but barely.  And will always be our children.  After 21 years of marriage and he can just cut me off like that.  I mean NOTHING. 

What did I do?  He's the one that had the affair.  I have never talked trash about his girlfriend to anyone, especially my kids.  I've never talked about about my ex to my kids, either.   If one of them comes to me about how she is pissing them off, I listen and I once in a while, I try to explain where she (the other woman) is coming from.  I can't be too blatant about that because that will piss them off.

I get hateful comments and remarks.  Everything I do is scrutinized.  I don't know how I became the bad person.  What did I do?  Just tell me!  What did I do?

Tell me what you think.

The Stinkin' Theives

I was woken up before 6 am Thursday morning with my phone ringing.  After having, what seemed like a very long debate with myself, I answered the phone.  I had very little enthusiasm or shock when the man on the other end asked me if I had just purchased a Mac on the Internet.  No, I have not purchased a computer at all in recent months, maybe even years.  Still half asleep, he let me know that someone is trying to use my credit card.  I had no reaction.  One because I was still asleep, two because this has happened so many times before.  He told me I need to call my credit card company to make sure it hasn't been successfully used.

I was about to go back to sleep when I realized, yeah, I better call Am Ex right now.  These theives, who live in Pensicola, Florida had tried to make a couple of purchases and two other Apple stores.  One thing that did create a reaction from me was the fact that they were able to successfully change the address on my account AND my password.

I called my M/C company to see if any fraudulant activity has been done with that card.  Nothing. Like in a film, a scene from the previous day played through in my head.  I had purchased gas at Costco.  As I pulled up the employee that I regularly see there was talking to another employee as he walked up.  All I could think was, "Why does this guy have to talk SO LOUD?"  He was telling the other guy, "I didn't think he worked here.  He wasn't even wearing a (Costco) badge."

My theory:  This guy who didn't work there and wasn't wearing a badge was at the gas pumps descreetly putting in those little devices that reads credit cards.  Obviously, mine was read and sold.  I called Costco to tell them my story and my theory, just to let them know, not to be mad with them.  Costco was thankful and I went back to sleep, therefore ruining my streak of waking up early (before 9 am) since Daylight Savings Time.